Didn't mean not to write for awhile.
Nothing really special is coming to mind that I can really tell you about.
I spend nearly every day with Brandon...he gives my life purpose.
I have a few concerns...like Dad's newest threat that if I don't find a job before I'm 18, he'll stop paying for my cell phone. (This is the first time I've ever dreaded the arrival of summer...so many securities in going to school, you know?) This may not seem like such a big deal to you, but to me, having a cell phone is extremely important. It's the number one way to keep in touch with my friends on the east coast...without that...well I have almost no doubt our friendship would fail...I will not allow that to happen....but I don't dare bring that up in front of Dad...he wouldn't show compassion or understanding at all...it sometimes seems to me that Dad is all about using his money on himself (and his new girlfriend). I'm understanding of that. Of course I am...but he doesn't have to make it seem like I'm just an obstacle on his financial course...I know he dreams of getting a Harley Davidson, and moving to a new and smaller place...and buying an RV...pretty much everything I get in the way of...I just...don't want to feel like a hindrance anymore...
If the chances of me getting a job were just a little bit higher, I wouldn't be worried....heck, perhaps Dad wouldn't have even made the threat.
I think it's a little unfair because even though Dad fully realizes the current national situation, he still expects me, someone with no work experience, to somehow rise up over every other qualified person and find a job...
He keeps saying I have no initiative, and even though I don't really think about it, I guess he's right.
It is hard, though. I mean...for the longest time, I have just come home from school and gotten on the computer or watched tv, snacked on stuff...do the occasional cleaning...really not much to my life at all.
And when I get out of school early on B days...well I just hardly know what to do with myself...I feel as though I should be out there in the town scouting out jobs, but another part of me has no idea where to go now or what to do.
I have a really good memory except with days and the specific lengths of the passage of time.
If something happened only two weeks ago, it'll feel like either shorter, or longer. If something significant happened on a certain day, depending on what it was, I will only remember the event and not the day.
It's quite frustrating, but I really can't do anything about it.
One fine example would be the time I applied for a job at Stockman's:
I filled in the application and turned it in. Receptionist told me that her boss was about to start doing interviews. We talked about checking in on my application. So I waited a week and checked back in on it. She updated it for me. Said that her boss was currently doing interviews and that I should wait to see if I was called. Only problem was, as time passed, even though I knew the day of the week it had been that I last checked on my application (Friday), I could not for the life of me remember how much time had passed since then. I kept trying to use the day I went to the concert (Feb. 12) as a refresher, but...something kept telling me that that wasn't the day I had gone...(hell, now I can't even remember what day it was then that I was trying to remember all that). But anyway, I guess it might have been somewhere around two weeks, but I figured that if the interviewer lady hadn't called me by then, she had either already found someone, or just wasn't even going to consider me...so I never went back.
But anyway, as I was saying...I really don't know where to look now. There are only so many places that a) I have access to without a vehicle and b) I'm willing to work. I'm going to try The Wok again...but I think they already have enough waitresses...gosh...I....I just want to be a busser or a waitress...as long as I'm working in a restaurant that doesn't serve friggin' fast food...that's all I want...Of course I'm willing to work jobs that have nothing to do with food. Money is money.
Babysitting, petsitting, yardwork, anything I can get my eager little hands on. I want to beat somebody to something for once...
Then I would be able to bring the good news to Daddy...but...he wouldn't be thrilled at all because it's what he expects...lately Dad is never thrilled about anything I say...I...don't feel important at all anymore. I feel more at home with Brandon's parents these days. Tammy always listens to me and responds the way I would hope for someone to respond.
Whenever I talk to Dad...tell him about my day...he's usually doing something else...no, he's ALWAYS doing something else. On the computer, fixing his lunch, walking around the house to find things...sometimes he'll even walk right out of the room even when I'm still trying to tell him something. I know he probably doesn't mean to, and I know that what I'm usually saying isn't even of much concern to him, but...I still deserve to be listened to. I don't see him enough as it is...I don't just want to be some ghost in his house who can eat his food and make use of his utilities.....
I would talk to him about this, but...I'm not quite sure what to say....and I'm even less sure of how he would respond.
Sure, I'd like to think that he would apologize and give me a hug and promise to try and fit me into his life more, but on the other hand he could just make some sort of excuse that I'd be unable to argue with...
Gosh...I can't friggin' see past my tears...
Anyway, another concern of mine is that when I find a job, I'll undoubtedly have less time to spend with Brandon, and this will affect us in a negative way...although I'd love to be able to pay for things on my own while he could just buy stuff for him. Did you know he's actually bought me things that DAD should have bought me (clothes, hair products, breakfast food, even cosmetics)? I wish I could pay him back every penny of the money he's spent on me...I'm pretty sure it's well over $1000 dollars, now...he doesn't seem to mind it at all, and that really bothers me. I mean sure, he makes a lot of money, he saves a lot of money. But just think how much more he would have if it weren't for me?! He keeps telling me that even if he didn't spend it on me he would probably just spend it on himself, but that's okay! That's one of the reasons he went out and got a job in the first place! He can't possibly be in debt to himself! I on the other hand can! And when I get a job...well...I'd like to be able to buy all the things I desire, but...I won't let myself. All of it will be going into a savings account. I want to be independent. Lots of people remind me of my dependence upon other people...I hate it....I wish they could see how much I hate it....I'm ashamed of myself...selfish, kinda greedy...I hate how much of Brandon's money I've wasted on the most insignificant things: candy, cosmetics, snacks, little toys, silly books, etc. And I hate how he lets me....I try to put myself in his position...of course I would desire to spend money on the love of my life. Anything that would make him happy....but when part of me knows that it's better off being saved...I would show my unwillingness to use it so thoughtlessly. Not that I'm saying Brandon is stupid or thoughtless for indulging me, but...I wish he would think of himself and how it might affect him. I'll let him do what he wants, though. It's his money after all. And once I get my own job I won't need him to take care of me. He can have all his money to buy things for himself: a laptop?, that new computer/tv screen, many more months of WoW, all the books he loves, a new cell phone?, and anything else. I care about things like that.
Anyway...I guess that's all I really have.
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Wow, you certainly have to think about a lot, well technically you don't have to but you do. Ya know I tend to overthink things a lot as well. My counselor called it Post-Tramatic Stres. I don't think you have that but It's stress and it's not good. Wow, I tend to make things longer than they have to be. Anyway my point being is that I guess that as hard as it might be you need to not worry about things you can't control. You can't control what your boyfriend does but you can control what you do like finding a job... as hard as it might be you need to try.
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