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Not completely. But I am quite pissed. This is turning out to be a totally not fun summer. I mean, yeah, I've done a few fun things, but it's not nearly enough. I can list them all right here:
- Went swimming a couple times with Tyler
- Went to the carnival with Tyler
And I believe that's it. I missed the parade AND the fireworks last night!
Also, my friends in Virginia barely text me!
And to top it all off, for the second week in a row, now, I have only been given ONE LOUSY DAY OF WORK! Don't they realize how negatively that's going to affect my paycheck?! Obviously they do, but why don't they care?! Just because I'm only working part time, doesn't mean I don't need money!
I'm going to talk to someone about it, see if I can bargain with them...I don't want to get switched to full time, but with the way things are going now, I'm sure nobody would miss the time not spent with me. They don't seem to have time for me, so I won't have time for them. But gawd....the overtime hours are ridiculous....not looking forward to that if I actually DO end up doing that.....what if they won't even let me? Positive thinking, Indigo...positive thinking.
It's sad that Tyler seems to be the only friend I have right now (I can't get a hold of Cyclops by phone...and thusly can't get ahold of him at all). Kristina wants us to hang out more...I know I should but...I don't know, she wanders around a lot, and I don't particularly like following people around. But she went to see Eclipse and Tyler hates the Twilight saga, and Brandon is out of the picture, and I told her I wanted to take her to see it my first time. Hopefully today if she's not busy. If she is, I'm totally going by myself, even if that's lame. And it's not like everyone else just abandoned me....we just stopped talking, and we don't see each other. I suppose it's mostly my fault for not making more friends and scoring more phone numbers, but I'm just a really picky person: I'm picky about food, clothes, friends/people I talk to, books, music, movies, etc. I don't really consider it a problem, though.
Well I don't expect anyone to read this since it's just a long, ranting complaint about how my life is a little suckish at the moment. It's not even a big deal. I'll just stop talking to everyone and let them come to me if they want to, with the exception of Jazz.
I don't mind that Brandon decided to stop being my friend anymore. I still don't want to see him, though. I swear he drove past my house this morning while I was out on the porch with Dad, and I had a feeling he would...but I didn't look at him. He had someone in the car with him anyway. Dad was like, "He should've honked." I said, "No, Dad, he shouldn't've. If we're not going to be friends anymore, then he should make it to where I don't exist....acknowledging my existence would be a bad idea." Also, even if he had, I would have ignored him. I could still be angry about it, but I don't want to. It's a waste of life, and I don't have to feel bad because of him. I found the necklace he let me borrow....I want to give it back, but....I'm not sure how...maybe I'll send it back with Shaun after we're done at the movies. Brandon is surprisingly cool with us going. I didn't think he would be...I keep thinking he's mad at me and doesn't want me to spend any time with Shaun, because Shaun is more his friend than mine. But I won't be having any of that bullshit. Shaun is my friend, too, and Brandon is not Shaun's master. I do wonder, though, why Brandon had to stop being my friend altogether. I mean, really. I'm leaving soon enough. Why not just hang out the last few chances we get? It would have made hanging out with Shaun easier for me, too. Now I feel kind of like...a....uh...hmm.....oh, a friend thief. But I'm not. This isn't what I wanted. I'm not trying to get back at Brandon for anything. Sometimes I think about some of the things he told me, though....
I asked him if he would regard me in the same way he did all his other exes when he finds himself a new girl....
He told me no, he would tell her that I was a great and special person in his life and that he had really liked me.
My prediction...no he won't....he'll probably tell her everything that was wrong with me...
I asked him if he would always love me, even though we're no longer together.
He said yes...
My prediction.....just to appease me. I don't think he will, seeing as I'm pretty damn sure he doesn't at all right now.
I decided to get back with Tyler. He was my boyfriend before Brandon was, and I stupidly allowed myself to let Brandon win me over...I never officially broke up with Tyler before I went and spent all my time with Brandon. Gawd I feel terrible about that. I apologized profusely to Tyler who didn't even seem that worried about it. He just forgave me for everything right in that instant. Tyler told me that he believes love is something that is eternal, and that if somebody says they love someone, it'll either be forever, or they don't really mean it. I kinda agree, kinda don't. I believe that love is something that can fade and/or wither away...that people can fall out of love. I believe that people can deceive themselves with a feeling that they think is love, but in reality it's nothing more than infatuation or "strong like"...and that one day they will realize their true feelings and be forced to back out of their relationship. I think this is what happened to Brandon. Obviously I wasn't a perfect match for him anyway, but it seemed he was trying to convince himself that none of that mattered, and the "love" he felt for me was strong enough to overcome that vast obstacle. I don't know what he's looking for, but I hope he finds it....I also hope he gets his heart broken just one last time, and then we'll be cool. Lol, I'm totally kidding about that! ^___^ (I bet you thought I was serious, though.) No, Brandon deserves his happiness, as do I. The only thing I curse is my excellent memory. I really don't want to remember him anymore...but hey...as the years pass, maybe I won't. I just have to hope that no one says or does anything that reminds me of him. I should probably tell Shaun to type "Indy" instead of "Indi" when I instant message him. Gawd, I hate it spelled that way. Brandon came up with it and outright refused to change the spelling even when I told him I didn't like it. I have never had it spelled with two "i's" ...what a damn fool. But anyway...yeah.
I'm so glad to be moving away from Fallon and on with my life. Every person between the ages of 12 and 25 (possibly even a little older) wishes to go live somewhere, anywhere, besides Fallon (with the exception of living in a place that's either worse than Fallon, or it's different-state equivalent). I am no exception. Yes, I love it here in Fallon. It's really not a bad place to be. But I do prefer big cities. I'm so glad I decided to join the Army, even going against all my previous dispositions about the military in general. I can't wait to see what new friends I make, and where I'll live and get to travel, and how many guys I go through until I finally find the one that's right for me (Lol, another joke, people. No one looks forward to their impending breakups). The future looks bright.
Not necessarily your future, but the future of the world technologically speaking. Whenever I watch Artificial Intelligence, I start to worry that the things they portray in the movie are the things they really hope to accomplish. I don't believe in the concept of robots or otherwise making a machine that will do anything for you...I believe in the concept of working to gain something. I mean, do people really think that life can be so easy? Something would have to go wrong sooner or later. And we already have it easy enough. I'm getting sick of new phone commercials....I mean, yes...the stuff they have is cool, and it's amazing they found out how to advance their technology so well...I will even go so far as to say it would be cool to have one...I know that these businesses are only doing this to make a ton of money, but I think they should draw the line somewhere. Unfortunately, I guess that's impossible, considering the fact that if they stopped coming out with all new sorts of upgrades, they would lose business. One thing that has really pissed me off is this one car....I...I can't remember the name, but I wanna say Nexus or something...oh well. Anyway, I saw this commercial for one that could start simply by pressing a button and not using a key...how stupid. That would enable anyone to steal your car without much hassle, that's for sure. I don't care if it has the loudest alarm in the world. Smash the window, drive away. I'm sure the alarm would have an easy button to shut it off as well. But theft isn't really the thing that made me mad...it's how they're just making EVERYTHING simpler! What the hell is wrong with having to make a few short, simple hand motions in order to get what you want? Stick key in slot. Turn. Grab wheel. Drive. But noooo...just push this here button and all your problems will be solved! Other attributes it has are things like an inside phone thing, and a touchscreen that can play all your favorite songs....this isn't so bad, really...except for the phone thing...I mean, it's cool...but when you drive it's best not to get distracted with something like a phone call. That's why I get angry when I see people driving and talking on their cell phones...these people are not being safe. But apparently it's not illegal here because I've seen cops doing it. And robots....well the Japanese are still working on one...that I know of....trying to perfect one that can hold up an actual conversation with someone besides just simple things like, "Hello, how are you doing?" and such like that....what would be the use? So it could be like I. Robot where they can be slaves to our every whim? I'm not looking forward to it, but fortunately I don't believe they will ever achieve this goal. I don't think they'll have the time. We'll see, I guess.
This dream was pretty neat.
I dreamt of this boy and this girl, they were friends and were in high school together. The dream starts in the middle of the school year for the boy and the girl. The girl had always had locker #52, but for some strange reason, the boy was sent to tell the girl that her locker had been moved to locker #51.
This was extremely strange because locker #51 had always been 'Nobody's Locker.' No one ever got assigned that locker, and, no one could open it, for the key was lost. (Yeah...instead of padlocks and such, they had keys) The girl happened to have a really adventurous spirit and decided to find the key to the locker and clear up the mystery that had shrouded the locker for years. Though I can't remember much about the quest to find the key, they did find it in the school somewhere...I think in a secret box in the principal's office while he wasn't there. So they go back to the locker and open it up, and inside is a dark, hard-cover book with old Gothic designs on it, but no title.
The girl grabs the book and runs to tell her homeroom teacher about it, but to her dismay, the teacher was shocked that the girl had done such a thing. It seemed that all the staff in the school who had been working there for several years knew that there was something dark and secret about locker #51, even if they didn't know quite what. The girl was always impatient and demanding when people hid things from her, and with that, she opened the book in the middle and began to read....strangely enough she was reading her own thoughts and spoken words on paper...and the words kept forming as she went along. She then turned to the very beginning....all of her past was there as she kept flipping the pages. Her fear was beginning to grow, but she couldn't find words to describe it. It was then that the teacher began to speak. She told the girl that the book was nothing more than a powerful curse that had been there long, LONG before the school had, and locker #51 was the only place they could store the book because it could not be moved from the spot in which it was found. The book had the ability to tell of the past and record the events of the present, and also tell the future. The catch was that the pages toward the end of the book were always blank, for if anyone dared go looking for, and remove the book, they would no longer have a future, though the exact date of their death was also hidden from them. It was also said that even if the book was placed back, the curse would still be upon them....and so....even though I didn't get to dream that far, it is fair to say that the girl died.
I know it probably just sounds like a silly story, but I actually dreamt this. All my dreams are weird, and a lot like movies. It's cool.
Ha ha ha. It seems I hardly ever write anymore. I have a lot of things that I could be writing about, and yet, I feel afraid to say all the things I want to say because there's someone who may or may not still read this...and I don't want to risk it. Well actually...maybe it's safe now. Yeah. I should think so.
My sisters came down from Virginia to be there for my graduation. I was happy about that. They left early this morning....the exact time my alarm clock went off, oddly enough. I'm happy to be graduated, and move on to be a chef in the Army. I'm getting everything taken care of before I ship out on October 19th....It seems all the ones who I wanted to be excited and happy for me are the ones who were the least thrilled about it. Not that they didn't support me, but that the news wasn't that big to them. Maybe it's because I'm not actually going to be fighting, and they know that I probably won't really be in danger. I don't know. For some reason I don't really feel...cared about....lately. My sisters didn't really....do much while they were here....of course I didn't expect them to change....but...they didn't even seem happy, like, the whole time.
And then there's my ex...he doesn't even really acknowledge my existence anymore, even though we're SUPPOSED to be friends. Maybe people really shouldn't try to be friends with their exes...but I thought this would be different because of all our experiences and the time we'd been together. He used to give me a text every day, bidding me "Good morning" ....now....he won't text me at all unless I do it first...and...well....I almost never do because I hope that maybe he'll remember me.
His best friend is living with him at the moment, so that's who he gives all his time and attention to...and it's good that he does that...kinda.
But what about me? He doesn't seem to understand how he's making me feel...I don't want to take him away from his friend. I don't want to get in the way of anything he does, really. If anything I would want ALL of us to hang out, and ALL of us to have fun....but EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I want to try and set up a plan to do anything fun, he crushes it....I'm beginning to think he's doing this on purpose.....I'm beginning to think that maybe he's too afraid to tell me what his true feelings are....wouldn't be the first time...I think he doesn't want to be friends. I think he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I think he wants to forget the whole 11 months 25 days he's known me and just move on with his life because he knows that I'm doing the same with mine. I can understand why he'd be afraid...but if he'd learned anything from the whole time we'd dated, he would know that he can be brutally honest with me about anything, because that's always what I did with him. I never hid anything from him, not anything that was important at least. I only kept things to myself that were really silly and not worth repeating, or just biting back an unnecessary comment. I have such a sharp tongue, and I'm teaching myself to control it. Any mean thing that I do not say should be appreciated. Anyway...I really want to talk to him....I want him to confirm, once and for all, how he feels. If he were to read this he would probably be thinking, "I've tried!" or something of that nature....but he should remember how much I don't trust him....I have no reason to....I mean...everything he told me before was a lie....maybe not intentional, but a lie, nonetheless. He realized his true feelings...which was good for him, bad for me. But it took him forever....I have no reason to doubt that it would be the same concerning our friendship, and whether or not he really wants it. He might feel he does now, but that could change.
Sometimes when I actually bother to think about the beginning stages of our break up, I think that maybe everyone is supposed to experience heartbreak that was caused by someone they were in love with. I did it to someone, he did it to me, someone did it to him....several did it to my dad....everyone probably does go through that....but it's really hard when you experience it at a young age because then there's the chance that you'll never trust anyone again and miss out on a good thing. I'm happy that's not the case with me, because I'm not so easily defeated. I'm not sure what it would take to really make it so that I didn't bounce back, but I hope I never cross paths with it...
I wish I didn't still love him...I feel weak....not physically but mentally and emotionally. Last time he was here I sat really close to him and rested my head on his shoulder....I....didn't really want to let him know (even without saying anything) that I still love him.....I want him to think that I'm a carefree bachelorette who doesn't need him. Ha ha ha. I kinda am, though. Lolz. But I still need him....or at least...I need his driving. Ha ha ha! (That's a joke that's funny because it's true, but I don't mean it quite so harshly. I'm not using him, it's just something he has that I don't, and it enables me to see a close friend of mine).
I wish I didn't need that either. I wish I could drive and had a car. Then I wouldn't need to bother him with my desire to see Cyclops. I don't want him to feel used.
I want to ask him if he and his friend will go to the mall with me soon. I have money that I set aside just for a mall trip...
But I'm almost positive what the answer will be....just another excuse to avoid and or get out of it....He's really hurting me....I just want to know if he has any intention of remaining my friend. He doesn't seem to notice how he's coming across to me....I know that he doesn't have any obligation to me, but that's not what this is about. This is about him realizing that he promised me that we would stay friends, and is NOT doing anything to uphold that promise. Since his friend has been around, he has only seen me...like...3 times:
1. The day his friend arrived and he picked me up from work.
2. The day he agreed (somewhat reluctantly, I might add) to watch a movie with me before I went to work.
3. Yesterday? Or Sunday or something, when he dropped by to meet my sisters as promised. But that was only for, like, 5 minutes.
All the time in between those three events, he has been avoiding me like I'm the plague. It's unfair! I just want some of his time! I wouldn't ask him every freaking day to come hang out with me! I know he wants to just be with his friend every waking moment, and that's fine with me because it would be the same with me if my best friend were here....but even if she were, I would still want to include him in some of my activities....now I feel like I shouldn't even bother texting him with stuff I want to do....I don't know...we'll see...I have to go though...
There really isn't much going on. I mean, there's a lot that I wish I could say, but due to the lack of privacy...I don't want it to be private from everyone just...some people.
I talked with an Army Recruiter today. I spoke with him a bit on the phone yesterday...I thought...he was going to be black...because of how he spoke...but he turned out to be white. Lolz. He tripped over his words a lot. Maybe I dolled myself up too much today...Ha ha ha! Just kidding. I wore what I would wear on a typical day...all black.
Anyway apparently in the Army, as opposed to all the other branches, you get to CHOOSE your own job. So I, undoubtedly, would choose to go in the culinary field. I'm actually really starting to consider joining the Army, now.
But of course I have to talk it over with some people. Dang it...I don't really want to join the military, but just how many options do I have?
Anyway, life is good here...I can't wait to get my first paycheck. Not that I've made much only working about 6 or 7 days or something.
Speaking of money...what bank should I entrust with my money?
I'll talk to Daddy about that one. I have to be careful I don't waste it all, too. Ha ha ha. I'm sure I won't.
I'm even saving up money in my piggy bank. Although it's not a piggy. I wish it were. It's actually an ugly, fat squirrel advertising Skippy peanut butter. I want a damn pig. I'll get one...I'll get one.
I have a bunch of change stored in it, and two one-dollar bills. I'm going to start saving all my cash register overages. All the registers are supposed to contain exactly $150, no more, no less. If it's more you get to keep it. If it's less you have to find a way to replace it and pay it back. So far, when I've been under, it's only by a few cents, so I can pay it back, or get someone to help. Oh. I should go do laundry.
I'll be working at Sonic, now!
Everybody thought I was going to be a carhop, and would be on rollerskates while delivering food to the customers.
No...that's not the only position available....I'm going to be working the drive thru, and, if they cross-train me, fixing up fountain drinks as well.
I can't wait to see how many familiar faces show up.
I already have one guaranteed customer in my Bakeshop class. His name is Al...short for Aloyious...he doesn't like his full first name, though.
I only happened to see it by chance when someone handed him back a graded paper last year in my credit retrieval class...good times.
It's funny. I don't go out-out too often.
The best places to go are the movie theater and the card shop.
When I'm at the card shop alone or with a friend, I often see people who had been gone but are back again.
My dad always makes a joke saying, "It's the Fallon water that keeps people coming back" (even though everyone knows the water here is awful. I drank some just today...it tastes so weird that I don't even like drinking it anymore)
I've never liked drinking water...I like sweet things, especially drinks: soda, juice, sweet tea, milkshakes, etc. But water is just something I drink when there's no milk, or if I'm in a place where I can drink nothing but water and am in desperate need of something cold and refreshing.
But anyway, I'm super excited about this job. I hadn't wanted to work fast food, but Dad was really getting on my case about it, so I took what I could get...and this is what I got.
I shouldn't sound so unappreciative, I know. God blessed ME with this job above all others who applied for it (and believe me, there were MANY. I saw the stack of applications he had, and it would be enough to shoot down anyone's hopes), and for that...well I am wholly grateful.
I keep thinking of reasons they could fire me....I haven't started just yet (I was supposed to today at 4:30, but they canceled due to weather and said I would start training tomorrow at 4:30). I'm really hoping I don't slip up and give them grounds to fire me....wouldn't that be one of the absolute worst things to ever happen to someone? Getting fired from a fast food joint? With the way things are now, people don't even need resumes to get hired at fast food places! So if you got fired from one, and then tried filling out other applications with your work experience, employers would look at yours and think you had the worst work ethic imaginable!
But I'll do my best. I really will.
