Ah, The Neglect

Ha ha ha. It seems I hardly ever write anymore. I have a lot of things that I could be writing about, and yet, I feel afraid to say all the things I want to say because there's someone who may or may not still read this...and I don't want to risk it. Well actually...maybe it's safe now. Yeah. I should think so.
My sisters came down from Virginia to be there for my graduation. I was happy about that. They left early this morning....the exact time my alarm clock went off, oddly enough. I'm happy to be graduated, and move on to be a chef in the Army. I'm getting everything taken care of before I ship out on October 19th....It seems all the ones who I wanted to be excited and happy for me are the ones who were the least thrilled about it. Not that they didn't support me, but that the news wasn't that big to them. Maybe it's because I'm not actually going to be fighting, and they know that I probably won't really be in danger. I don't know. For some reason I don't really feel...cared about....lately. My sisters didn't really....do much while they were here....of course I didn't expect them to change....but...they didn't even seem happy, like, the whole time.
And then there's my ex...he doesn't even really acknowledge my existence anymore, even though we're SUPPOSED to be friends. Maybe people really shouldn't try to be friends with their exes...but I thought this would be different because of all our experiences and the time we'd been together. He used to give me a text every day, bidding me "Good morning" ....now....he won't text me at all unless I do it first...and...well....I almost never do because I hope that maybe he'll remember me.
His best friend is living with him at the moment, so that's who he gives all his time and attention to...and it's good that he does that...kinda.
But what about me? He doesn't seem to understand how he's making me feel...I don't want to take him away from his friend. I don't want to get in the way of anything he does, really. If anything I would want ALL of us to hang out, and ALL of us to have fun....but EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I want to try and set up a plan to do anything fun, he crushes it....I'm beginning to think he's doing this on purpose.....I'm beginning to think that maybe he's too afraid to tell me what his true feelings are....wouldn't be the first time...I think he doesn't want to be friends. I think he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I think he wants to forget the whole 11 months 25 days he's known me and just move on with his life because he knows that I'm doing the same with mine. I can understand why he'd be afraid...but if he'd learned anything from the whole time we'd dated, he would know that he can be brutally honest with me about anything, because that's always what I did with him. I never hid anything from him, not anything that was important at least. I only kept things to myself that were really silly and not worth repeating, or just biting back an unnecessary comment. I have such a sharp tongue, and I'm teaching myself to control it. Any mean thing that I do not say should be appreciated. Anyway...I really want to talk to him....I want him to confirm, once and for all, how he feels. If he were to read this he would probably be thinking, "I've tried!" or something of that nature....but he should remember how much I don't trust him....I have no reason to....I mean...everything he told me before was a lie....maybe not intentional, but a lie, nonetheless. He realized his true feelings...which was good for him, bad for me. But it took him forever....I have no reason to doubt that it would be the same concerning our friendship, and whether or not he really wants it. He might feel he does now, but that could change.
Sometimes when I actually bother to think about the beginning stages of our break up, I think that maybe everyone is supposed to experience heartbreak that was caused by someone they were in love with. I did it to someone, he did it to me, someone did it to him....several did it to my dad....everyone probably does go through that....but it's really hard when you experience it at a young age because then there's the chance that you'll never trust anyone again and miss out on a good thing. I'm happy that's not the case with me, because I'm not so easily defeated. I'm not sure what it would take to really make it so that I didn't bounce back, but I hope I never cross paths with it...
I wish I didn't still love him...I feel weak....not physically but mentally and emotionally. Last time he was here I sat really close to him and rested my head on his shoulder....I....didn't really want to let him know (even without saying anything) that I still love him.....I want him to think that I'm a carefree bachelorette who doesn't need him. Ha ha ha. I kinda am, though. Lolz. But I still need him....or at least...I need his driving. Ha ha ha! (That's a joke that's funny because it's true, but I don't mean it quite so harshly. I'm not using him, it's just something he has that I don't, and it enables me to see a close friend of mine).
I wish I didn't need that either. I wish I could drive and had a car. Then I wouldn't need to bother him with my desire to see Cyclops. I don't want him to feel used.
I want to ask him if he and his friend will go to the mall with me soon. I have money that I set aside just for a mall trip...
But I'm almost positive what the answer will be....just another excuse to avoid and or get out of it....He's really hurting me....I just want to know if he has any intention of remaining my friend. He doesn't seem to notice how he's coming across to me....I know that he doesn't have any obligation to me, but that's not what this is about. This is about him realizing that he promised me that we would stay friends, and is NOT doing anything to uphold that promise. Since his friend has been around, he has only seen me...like...3 times:

1. The day his friend arrived and he picked me up from work.
2. The day he agreed (somewhat reluctantly, I might add) to watch a movie with me before I went to work.
3. Yesterday? Or Sunday or something, when he dropped by to meet my sisters as promised. But that was only for, like, 5 minutes.

All the time in between those three events, he has been avoiding me like I'm the plague. It's unfair! I just want some of his time! I wouldn't ask him every freaking day to come hang out with me! I know he wants to just be with his friend every waking moment, and that's fine with me because it would be the same with me if my best friend were here....but even if she were, I would still want to include him in some of my activities....now I feel like I shouldn't even bother texting him with stuff I want to do....I don't know...we'll see...I have to go though...